And although I love him with all of my heart, with every inch of my soul, I just can’t do it anymore. I realize that my love isn’t enough to save him, it isn’t enough to change him. And I can’t keep fighting for something that is not there, maybe it never was there. Looking back I realize I overlooked so many things, I forgave the unforgivable, and it was more for me than for him. I was broken and willing to accept things that I should have never accepted, I realize and see things so differently now. 

 The silent space that you have left within me has taken over, I can’t find the words anymore. The feeling is gone, I gave it all to you. Now all that is left is this empty feeling within me, that now questions everything I once felt for you;

Negative

 Some people are just masses of negative energy. All they emit is negativity, and they feel powerful in making others feel small or less than. It’s all a coping mechanism to their self esteem. They put others below them and themselves on pedestals. They chase bigger and better because in their minds they want and deserve the best but at what value is the best when they can’t see the value of what’s right in front of them?? Stay away from people who are constantly looking at the faults of others, pointing fingers, laughing, and placing blame. You will find that these people rarely ever have anything positive about them. 

FALSE

Some people will try and piece together your life by what they perceive and the bits and pieces they have gathered. They piece together this false narrative based on false information, their perception of things and watching ALL of your social media pages.... They come up with this grand master piece of NOTHING and they delusion themselves into believing that this is your truth Lmaoo. You have to ignore people who constantly watch you, and think they know you based off what they have gathered from third parties. If someone doesn’t know you personally don’t take shit they do or say personally, that’s really a no brainer. 😘😘

 You can only give youself so much until there is no more left to  give.

Do you know what if feels lke to feel as if your drowning. Every day you give and you give and you get to this point where inside you almsot feel less alive. Days go by and it feels like you are on auto pilot just floating in mid space, and everything around is moving but your suspended in time. It feels as if your yells and your pleas have been muffled by nothing just this time that seems to move but your not moving at all. Its as if everyone is looking at you but no one really sees you

 You should never lose yourself to what could have or would have been, for there is so much beauty in the now, in the present. It’s inevitable to look back, there is beauty also in the memories of what was but don’t ever let it capture you and define what is. Don’t get lost putting together pieces that just don’t fit. There is a reason for everything, there is a reason for this. 

Vulnerability

 I was made to believe the vulnerability made you weak. I was made to believe that if you cried you were too sensitive, and hugging was not normal to me growing up. Human touch still makes me uncomfortable. I dislike it when anyone enters my comfort zone without my permission it’s weird to me and I know I’m the one with the problem, but when you grow up believing these things, it becomes a part of your normal. I have been working hard to shed my old fears and old restraints. I am holding myself accountable for my actions and the way I react to things. I am working hard to be the healthiest me. I am setting boundaries and sticking to them. I am no longer saying yes to the things I want to say NO to, and I don’t care who gets upset. For the first time I am being selfish with everyone but me, and I am okay with that.

Growth

 I’m not the same person I was a year ago, and I’m fucking proud of that. Different mind set, and a different me. Does that make me fake? Hell no, it means I’m evolving, learning and growing. 

 They say that when you meet your person an explosion of atoms can be felt from within, I contest this theory, because it is so much more then that. I can sit here trying to find the words to describe how that love feels like, or I can try to explain what it feels like being loved by him, but to truly understand a love that deep, one would have to experience it for themselves...

 They will hate you for how others love you, they will hate you for being strong, while having no idea how strong you had to be in order to get where you are. They will hate you for how passionate you are about love and life, because you are one of the rare ones that know what a privilege it is to be in this realm we exist in. They will hate that they can not figure you out, without knowing that you grow and change everyday, they will never be able to figure you out. Let them deal with the hate that they so strongly hold onto, continue growing and glowing and living life as loudly as you want. You are magical, they can never dim your light, no matter how hard they try; 

 Why is it that the people that hate you are the ones who keep up with you religiously. I’m really trying to understand the behavior behind visiting someone’s social media, and blog post that you truly hate? Is it to look for clues?? Is it to read their post and automatically get offended? It really baffles my mind as to why someone who hates you would visit your blog post on the daily? 

People will be inspired by you, they will try to replicate you, all behind a veil full of envy. Don’t ever expect these people to actually ever compliment you on anything that you do, for the hate that resides within them will never allow them to.

We promised each other forever, but that was forever ago, love fades and so did we, echoes screamed the words that we would never say. The silence overtook the loneliness that we seemed to find comfort in. We are now two strangers, that maybe never knew each other at all. 

 How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to someone your soul loves so deeply. I keep hearing the words replay like a broken fucking record, they tell you to prepare but they never tell you how to prepare. My heart aches so bad and I selfishly don’t want to say goodbye, I want to hold you here forever, but I know it’s time my angel. I know it’s time for you to go home. I love you. My life was overfilled with love because of you. You loved me so fully and because of you I know what it feels like to be protected and loved. You were a serious man but not when it came to your grandchildren. You loved all of us and God knows you had your hands full. There was never a day I saw you down. Strong and hard working yet always gentle with us. I will always hold you within my heart. I am thankful and grateful that I was blessed with you as a grandfather. I will never be ready to say goodbye to you but I know it’s time for you to fly high. I love you my angel for always and forever. 

New year

2021 oh how thankful and grateful I am to see another year. This past year has been a hard one, not only for me but for everyone around the world. We’ve all lost something or someone in 2020 and although it’s been extremely hard we have grown and learned. I don’t have a new year resolution but I have made a promise to stay true to myself of my spiritual journey. I will move freely and more openly in all that I do, and I most definitely will be looking forward to all life has to give. Stay blessed everyone. ♥️