Projections

I miss the me before him, I miss everything that he stole and although I wish to get it back I know, there is no going back. I had to come to terms with the fact that my belief in him came from a projection of my own inner soul. I saw him as pure and innocent, someone who was magical in every sense of the word. I saw him in this light, but that wasn’t him at all. I think that is the hardest part about it.  

Today

Today will come and go just as many days have come and gone. What have you done today to make yourself  happy. Strip all your materialistic processions away and ask yourself what have you done for your inner soul lately? Meditate go within, find that place of pure bliss within yourself. Your soul will thank you. 

Attached

I’m not a person that holds on to things. I have this very easy flowing energy about me and not many people understand that kind of energy. At a very young age I learned what hurt and pain felt like. I learned what lost felt like. I went through an abandonment faze and I held onto someone out of pure fear of being alone. I accepted anything and everything he gave because I believed that no one else on this earth would love me. I spent many many days alone but I am thankful for each and every experience. Attachment taught me that when you hold on to tightly you end up suffocating things. No one wants to feel like a possession. No one wants to feel suffocated and no one wants to be with someone who can’t stand on their own two feet. It took me a long time to realize I was whole all by myself. That not one person could make me happy until I was fully happy with myself. 

Relationships

It’s okay to walk away and cut ties with people who bring nothing but drama and toxicity into your life. Regardless of the relationship that you share with this person, your peace and health is worth more. People are master manipulators they will use excuses, they will threaten and even use other people to gain access to you just to keep the relationship going. This behavior is not okay and it is not healthy. If someone no longer wants a relationship with you it is not okay to find manipulative ways to make them stay. No one in this life belongs to us, it really is that simple. Life continues. Sometimes we spend years with someone and as we change and grow we realize that though we still love them it no longer brings us happiness. Some of us have parents and relatives who are extremely toxic and we use the excuse “oh but they are family” to continue relationships that are extremely unhealthy. Sometimes we are codependent and don’t even realize it. It’s important to learn the signs of toxic relationships and make the necessary changes in our lives. 

Saturday thoughts

Ask yourself are you happy or are you comfortable. For a lot of us it’s a very hard question to answer and as a person who likes to look at every angle I can answer that question with multiple answers. We are all on a journey of learning and life experiences. We all go through life searching for fulfillment. Something that makes us feel something. We go through life sometimes as if it were a chore. We get into these repetitive routines and we become okay with this type of feeling...

this comfort of knowing what tomorrow will bring or so we think. Some of us are lucky enough to experience an awakening. We actually get to feel the feeling that we are all in search of. And when we do get the chance to experience it, it isn’t something we can explain. Some people are okay with comfort and that’s okay but for those that have experienced something more, comfort will never bring them solace. 

Warped

I feel as if I have been warped back into this space. All these emotions pushing to the surface as I try to hold them down. It’s a losing battle for as much as I want to bury these feelings  forever, every so often they resurrect. I wonder if it will be like this forever or will I wake up one day and barely remember; 

No demands

Imagine loving someone so freely that they are fully aware that you will always love them. No demands. No obligations. No time stamps. Just pure love. That is the way that I love you. 

New moon

I guess this new moon really is having an affect on me and my feelings because I’ve been in such an intense mood. I wrote a letter today asking someone for forgiveness because I know that my actions and one point in time did hurt them and though they will never receive this letter because we have lost touch it was such a release to actually write it down and read it out loud. I’ve never been a vocal person I tend to shut down and keep quiet but as I learn and grow, I am learning to love the sound of my own voice and I’m learning to speak up about the things I believe in and I am  also learning not to be so afraid in asking others for what I need. I think we get so caught up in fear and expect people to know what we want and need and that’s how signals get crossed and things that should have been said remain unheard. I also think I need to forgive myself for being so afraid and caught up in the what if. I never believed in myself and that’s where I fell short. Everything that happens, happens for different reasons and I truly believe that what is meant to be will always be regardless of the time, space or dimension we are in. So this is my sorry to them for being so afraid of all the possibilities and to myself for being so afraid of sadly..... everything. 

The woman that I am today.

I stood within the wreckage of what I now called home. Everything seemed to be falling around me and though everything seemed broken I somehow felt free. I allowed myself to take it all in. I closed my eyes and I let it all fall away. All the expectations for what life should be all the expectations of how I should feel, and all of the fear that kept me from being who I am for so long just fell away. I don’t want to act a certain way to keep others comfortable or happy. I’ve come to terms that it is not my responsibility to keep other adults happy regardless of the relationship we share. Happiness comes wholeheartedly from oneself. For so long I took on that responsibility and it left my energy drained. I remember in my 20’s, my life really didn’t belong to me and I say this because I didn’t matter to myself. It was all about my bf. Everything I did was for him. He tried to leave me and I would crumble, I even threatened to hurt myself. I look back back on that time and I ask the girl I was for forgiveness because I as the woman that I’ve become had no idea how to love myself. I only knew attachment. Attachment is in no form love. It is fear based. Fear of being alone. Fear of not feeling whole without another person. Those voids are not the responsibility of others. We are responsible to heal those voids all on our own and only then is when we will experience soul love.

Everything moves so fast

I never understood what love meant until I had to let him go. Do you know what it feels like to say goodbye to someone you are not ready to say goodbye to, but than again whose ever really ready to say goodbye to a part of their own soul. No one is ever truly ready for anything in this life, life forces us to get ready. Life forces us to be strong. Life teaches us that love is not something that ends just because someone is no longer with us. Love is eternal. It is something that stays with us long after the person is gone. 

Redo

I gave myself so willingly. I was so broken and I dealt with that hurt in such a destructive way. I look back on it and ask myself what the fuck was going through my mind. I try not to dwell on the grey areas of my life but the moments play out like stills of imperfections, and it almost feels like if it’s taunting me. It’s behind me now and all I can do is take it as a learning experience, but if I were given the chance to go back and redo it I would. 

Life happens and then you die.

Life happens and then you die. What about your life shows that you have lived? When that moment comes will you take your last breath knowing that you lived your life fully and completely. Life is full of beautiful moments, and its also full of sad ones. Some that stay with us forever, some that are all to fleeting. We all live life chasing something. We chase careers, we chase partners, we chase, we chase and we fucking chase and we hardly stop to breathe and take in the beauty and happiness around us. We live in this false reality that one day, one day we'll be happy not realizing that most of the things that we think will make us happy, truly don't. We live in these false narratives that the ones around us create. We contain ourselves to make others happy and we pretend to be happy so they can remain happy. We fill ourselves with poison to forget all the things that come to haunt us when the silence comes out to dance with all of the words that we can not speak. We find ourselves dancing with ghost who no longer exist but we dance this beautiful dance, in this moment of temporary happiness because as long as they all remain happy that's all that matters.