Surreal

Have you ever encountered another human that felt completely magical and when your together time ceases to exist. It feels surreal and though you try to find the words to explain it, you can’t. Something that extraordinary can never be explained. My only hope is that everyone gets to experience that feeling at least once in this lifetime.

I am a very emotional person. When I’m sad I cry though crying isn’t easy for me and I know that would sound silly to many. (Well what the hell does she mean crying is hard) As a child I was always told not to cry. It was a sign of being to sensitive and weak, and for a very long time I believed that to be true. I would always try to hold my tears in or hide them. Sometimes I catch myself still doing exactly that. I no longer believe that being sensitive and feeing things to a higher level makes me weak. I’ve embraced that part of me and although I wish I weren’t so sensitive I am. That’s a part of me. I’m the woman who sees an elderly couple and gets all teary eyed. I’m the woman who cries during sappy movies. I’m the woman who sits alone in her bedroom and cry’s to beautiful music. That’s just who I am.

I’ve been feeling so disconnected lately. It’s like I have my moments but lately I don’t want to socialize or mingle with anyone. I don’t want the small talk or any type of talking. I just want to be lost to my thoughts and my feelings. I want to enjoy my kids and just get lost within their laughter and happiness. Everything else is just not doing it for me lately.

And if you lose yourself within someone and they walk away, all you will have is the ghost of who you we’re before them. Never forget who you were before them. Make sure that if they decide to walk away you can pick yourself up and own that shit. You are not who they are. You are you, and that’s beautiful.

for the one you love

12/01/2019

what would you do for the one you love? Such a powerful question that so many will answer with the same answer, "I will do anything for them" and though many of you are coming from your heart at the moment it is asked, I don't necessarily believe that to be true. We can all say we will do anything but what happens when that anything becomes having to let them go? Our selfishness sets in and we carry on with ways to hold on and we find ways for them not to let go. I believe that if a person genuinly needs time to figure themselves out, as hard as it may be we have to allow them that space to explore themselves. In the process I believe you also can find yourself and if by chance you both happen to come together again then at least you know it wasn't out of fear of letting go. (Photo found on Pinterest. I own no rights)

Something new

His lips still fresh on my lips and his scent wrapped softly around me, as I watch him sleep. I never thought another human could ever make me feel like this and I was right because this is the first time that I've ever felt comfortable in my own skin. And As I lie in his presence, I am thankful that I have been able to experience a human as pure as him; 

Don’t Get me wrong

This dreary Sunday of a day brings out the side of me that I love most. It brings out the relaxed me, the me that enjoys getting lost in the grey of the day. It allows me to go within and dig a little deeper as I write. It allows for my emotions to come pouring to the surface as I experience it and allow myself to actually take a little time to feel it. It’s amazing how easily I can write through inspiration but when it comes to writing about myself it becomes so hard. That’s the side of me that although I want to share, it becomes so hard for me to allow people to see me. It feels like I’m allowing someone into my sacred place and that somehow if they see me it will make me weak. As a blogger that wants to share so much, I become weary because I’ve always been so sheltered and protective of myself.  Any way enough of my rambling thoughts. I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful dreary Sunday.

The best of me

I wish I knew all the answers to the questions that ramble inside of my head. I swear sometimes I let my thoughts get the best of me.

You have to allow people time to heal and you have to allow the process to be completely theirs but what you don’t have to allow is any bad behavior from them as they heal. No one is entitled to call you names, put you down, or use your past against you. Some people will hold on to hurt and anger and at any chance use it against you and that is not what healing is about, that’s called manipulation. They want to hang it over your head because they know guilt will make you give in. Recognize that sometimes the ones closest to us know us and they know what triggers us and what they can use against us to get their way.

You are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy with the person within you, you will never be happy with anyone and no one will be happy with you. At the end of the day you have to take responsibility for your choices in life.

I miss you

With the holidays approaching my heart gets a little heavy. I miss him everyday. Some days I miss him more than usual but the feeling is constant and it never fades. I miss him more around the holidays because he was a ball of energy and he loved the holidays. It’s  crazy how it’s the simple things that I miss, like the sound of his voice and his hugs. How I had to yell over the telephone so he could hear me. Sometimes the selfishness in me wishes he were here and I know somehow he is though not seen he’s with me each and everyday and that brings me some sort of comfort.

no waiting

Time will not wait on us. If you want something you have to grasp onto it with both hands. And yes, it will be a bumpy rough ride, but what destination that is worth it isn’t. So if it scares you, do it anyway. Who is truly prepared for this life. The things that are worth it require you to be brave. So maybe we will burn this straight to the ground, but you are worth the flames we will go down in;

-Luna Reign 

What truth?

The truth is there is no truth. The only truth you can fully understand is your own. People can only meet you to the depth of the perceptions they perceive.

Deleted

So a friend and I got into a very deep conversation about being in the present moment and we both decided to go on a social media cleanse. How many of us are guilty of ignoring the very few that are near for the many that are far. How many of us spend most of our free time staring at a screen? How many of us would much rather the compliment of a complete stranger rather than our significant other. I know I’m guilty of all those things. I’m guilty of looking onto others that don’t know a damn thing about the person I truly am. I’ve decided to take a break of all social media platforms that allow me to interact with people in anyway. Why, you ask, because why put my energy in looking and giving attention to things and people when I have a circle of people that I love right in front of me. Why put my time and energy into those things, when I can be working on my book, working on myself and working on my family. So for those of you who follow me here I will still be very active. I will still share my thoughts, dreams and fears with you guys. As for when and if I return to social media only time will tell. It may be a day or a week or maybe a month. I just need to mentally clear my space and energy and when I am ready I will return, but until than. I’ll be seeing you. ❤️

When you stop living in the past and stop being so afraid of the future, you begin living and enjoying the present moment.

Anger

Sometimes I go back and read old text just to remind myself  of certain things. Sometimes I go back and read them just to remind myself that once upon a time that’s exactly how that person felt and spoke. In anger you often find truth but you can also find lies. I myself have said some really messed up shit out of anger just to hurt the person that was hurting me. Later I would sit and reflect on the things that came from my mouth. Anger is powerful and if you allow it, it can change you.

Do you??

And when you tell me you love me, do you truly love me. Do you love all the pieces that make up who I am. Do you love my smile when I’m lost in laughter. Do you love my tears when I’m lost in sadness. Do you like the creases around my eyes that are forming with time. Do you love the fact that I can get lost talking about the moon and the galaxies. Do you love my passion for true love and how I believe we will love many but there is only one that we will love most. Do you love the fact that I see you, even now when you are at your darkest and you can’t seem to see yourself.

Hello from the other side

 I find myself battling with what’s right and with what feels right. I question everything that’s happened up to this point in my life and I don’t find myself writing from my heart. I also find myself being dishonest with myself more often than I would like. I find this sadness wrap itself tightly around me and then guilt sets in. I know I am exactly where I belong in this lifetime. I know it but I can’t seem to not be sad. It’s so hard to explain but I know what I am feeling and lord knows I’m trying. I’ve even prayed to take it all away. All this pain, all this hurt. I want to forget everything, every last bit of it. I guess as much as I think I'm over it, I haven’t fully arrived to a place of self healing, but for now I’ll keep this smile on my face. 

My anxiety levels have been at an all time high. I haven’t been feeling like myself but lately it has been getting worst. I can’t even put into words what the fuck has me feeling this way. Maybe it’s everything that I’ve vented up and held onto for too long. Maybe I need to scream everything I’m feeling on to deaf ears because no matter how much I talk they never seem to listen.

We often fall into false pretenses of what a relationship should be. A lot of our reality and what we believe in comes from our childhood. What we grew up seeing we think of as normal. Some people stay stuck believing what they’ve been conditioned to believe. It’s very rare that you find another human soul that believes the world is a magical place. A soul who believes in love as a feeling that is so powerful it can make non believers, believe. It’s something so much more, it’s a feeling you can’t explain, it’s something that is so much bigger than the blind eye can see.

Comfort

Sometimes we get too comfortable. The same old bad habits keep us tied down and we don’t grow into our full potential. We wait for the weekend to have fun. We wait for Monday to start eating healthy. We stay in dead end jobs because we fear the unknown. We leave for tomorrow what should be done today. Look around you are you fully satisfied and happy? If not what’s holding you back?

selfless

Are people selfless enough to let someone go. To let them be happy despite it being with someone else? 

To be continued

Trust

Coming from a family that frowned upon showing any kind of emotion because it somehow made you weak was hard for me when it came to opening up to anyone. Growing up I was the quiet girl more on the shy side until I really got to know a person. As an adult I’m equally as reserved. It takes me a very long time to feel comfortable enough to share personal things and when I do it’s limited. I don’t know if it’s pride, ego or maybe even child hood trauma that causes me to be so reserved. I have a handful of people that I consider people that I trust but how can I trust when every time I’ve put my whole trust into someone I’ve loved they somehow turned around and taught me why exactly it is that I shouldn’t?

The Lies we tell ourselves

Sometimes it takes us a while to see a person for who they are. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to believe that we’ve put our trust and love into someone who didn’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to admit we knew who they were from the beginning but decided to lie to ourselves because we were in such a desperate need for something, anything to be real, but when it happens there is no turning back. It’s like your eyes finally being awakened to all the truths you’ve denied yourself to see. You can never go back only forward and it’s frightening and exciting at the same time. Frightening because you realize that things do change no matter how hard you try for them not to and exciting because it’s a brand new start on your journey.

Triggers

Mother’s Day is a huge trigger for me. It was the last day I saw my dad alive and well. We were going out to eat and he wanted to come with us and there was no room in the car for him. It’s something I will always look back on and regret. Though I am very privileged to still have my mom with me and I was lucky to have such a loving father, I can’t lie it fucks with me. So as I sit here about to get ready for my mother’s day weekend my heart is heavy.

Blogging

If you think you know someone based on what they post on Instagram, Facebook or twitter, your living in a made up reality. Unless a person uses their page as a diary or specifically says I’m going through this you really don’t know why they post what they post. Though many use social media as an outlet to throw indirects, and write what they are personally going through, I do not. To each their own but that’s not my cup of tea. This is why I have this blog. This is the only blog where I share things that are true to me and things that I am experiencing or have an opinion on.

Vibes

You can’t make them stay. If someone wants to go, let them. The world did not put you here to beg and plead for someone to stay in your life. People who vibe with you naturally,          will always flow towards your energy;

The weekend

I had such a good weekend. When you’ve been with someone for so long the normal everyday things get repetitive and boring. It’s nice to take time out and actually date. To talk, to gaze into each other’s eyes and to allow time to escape us. A year ago I would have never guessed we would be in this place. I am humble and thankful that everyday we work at finding new ways to love each other.

Not the Norm

There’s this stigma with falling out of love and moving on. We are human things change, feelings change and that’s okay. You can care for someone deeply and want the best of for them but not want to be with them. Then you have this whole online society trying to convince you other wise with memes that say. “If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me.” “you never loved me you were just using me” “your not loyal if you leave me.” What the fuck is that, of course you could have loved someone at one point of your life but don’t anymore. That doesn’t take away from the love shared and the care that still lives between the two of you. Of course you were loyal but at what point does loyalty become slavery. At what point do you become loyal and truthful to yourself and your feelings? Staying with someone to satisfy their need of you is not only disloyal to the person but also to yourself.

Do you believe in fate. Do you believe that the universe works in conjunction to give us what we need in the exact moment we need it and not a moment sooner. 

significant other

I wonder how many people make an effort to date their significant other. I wonder how many people get into the normal everyday routine and forget what it felt like to gaze into their significant others eyes. How many people have forgotten how good it felt getting lost in their kiss. I wonder how many people have forgotten their significant other all together.

outside of your realationship

Who are you outside of your relationship? Your likes your dislikes? What do you enjoy? What do you do to unwind? Do you go out with friends to eat dinner? Who are you outside of your partner? Do you even know?

Thoughts

Thinking of sharing a very personal journey that I am about to embark on. I haven’t decided yet that I will but I am thinking about it. Sharing such personal intimate pieces of my life is extremely hard for me but I think of all the people it could help.

Emotionally immature

When your dealing with an emotionally immature person they will react on impulse and assumptions. They won't take the time to evaluate the situation and they won't take the time to get their emotions under control before approaching you. Every conversation will have a "me" or a "but" in it and everything they do will have a validation on to why they did it or reacted in the way they did. 

Romance

Romance is such an important part to any relationship. Everyday we wake up and it’s the normal hussle and bustle of the day. We wake up we get the kids off to school, head to work and our day begins and ends before we can blink and eye. It is important to take time atleast once a week or twice a month to romance your partner. A date night. A romantic picnic at a park with a view. A wine tasting or a brewery. Even a night in with candles and soft music. These are simple inexpensive things that create a foundation that says, yes we live busy lives but you are still important and I still want you the way I wanted you all them years ago. 

Free writing

I find myself writing even when I have nothing to write about. Sometimes it feels like an outer body experience and then I look back and I think to myself, man I wrote that. I’m going to start off by telling you about my day. It’s Saturday I’m not feeling myself and I have so much thoughts on my mind. Thoughts of happiness, thoughts of sadness, thoughts of selfishness and selflessness. Why is it that we as humans complicate life. Why do we manifest our fears instead of our hopes. We live life based on being afraid. Afraid of the truth afraid of love and afraid of happiness. And I’m talking about myself here. I for one, if something is going too good I start searching for the bad, I start making things up in my head and telling myself this is way too good to be true. I guess I’m scared to be happy for the same reasons everyone else is. Happiness and love make us vulnerable, it leaves the door wide open for someone to come in and hurt us. That’s scary especially when you’ve been hurt and let down many times before. So what do you do when you want to grasp for something but at the same time want to turn and run away.

Complicated

Why is it that we as humans complicate life. Why do we manifest our fears instead of our hopes and dreams. We live life based on being afraid. Afraid of the truth, afraid of love and afraid of happiness. And I’m talking about myself here. I for one, if something is going too good I start searching for the bad, I start making things up in my head and telling myself this is way too good to be true. I guess I’m scared to be happy for the same reasons everyone else is. Happiness and love make us vulnerable, it leaves the door wide open for someone to come in and hurt us. That’s scary especially when you’ve been hurt and let down many times before. So what do you do when you want to grasp for something but at the same time you want to turn and run away;

Healing

Healing is a process. Some take longer then others to heal. Some seek the help of outside sources and others seek the help of inside sources and self help books. It’s a slow dreary journey but it is one that is worth it.

Hate

Hate can never exist where there is love. Yes you can disagree and dislike their choices but to say you hate someone you love is like saying you never loved them.

It amazes me how people think they know me based on my writing page. My writing is not my auto biography and many of my writing comes from inspiration. Even on my personal social media page I share very few things. I guess all writing is based on true life??? If only!! I guess jk Rowling’s did actually have a school for wizards. Oh and if you think you know me because of something you’ve heard or something you think you know even better and quite odd when it takes years to get to know someone and even than you don’t know someone fully. So if you follow my writing page thinking your piecing together my personal life let me personally tell you, YOUR WRONG. Good day!!!

Opinions

I will never base my opinion about someone on what I’ve been told or heard. I’m not a sheep I don’t follow crowds or popular opinion. I get to know someone and if they’re good to me and our experience is a divine one, nothing anyone can say or do will change my mind. Instead of talking bad about a person (which is very elementary) why don’t you focus on more positive things.

learning

I’ve changed in the last few months and I am acknowledging my growth. I went through a period of not knowing what the fuck I wanted. I was lost and confused and Im not sure if it was the past making its way to the surface. Past anger and resentments. Past hurt and failures. Past things that I have been through and never completely healed from. Everyday is a learning process. I am learning about myself and others. I am learning about my triggers and trying to learn from them. I have promised myself to be easy on me. To acknowledge and learn from my past but not to hate myself for it.