Love, sometimes is just not enough. It is not as black and white as I once thought it was. You can love someone so deeply and if it is not the right time it just will not work. It’s easy to say if you love someone you just wouldn’t give up on them, you just wouldn’t let them go, but that’s total bullshit. There’s so much that I have learned about love, things I never believed to be possible. I use to love in such a possessive manner until I learned that love is not about control, it is not about possession and it definitely is not about manipulation. Love is such an empowering, free feeling. It is so amazing when you can say you’ve experienced love in such a way, that it has opened your mind to so much more than you have ever believed it to be. 

Ghost

 I don’t know what to do with these feelings that I hold for you. I want to run until the burning in my chest takes over the pain that I feel. I want to run until it doesn’t exist anymore, until the memories disappear into the mist of the dark cold night, but you can’t outrun ghost, can you. 

 I have learned that a person that is not happy within themselves will seek out to make others unhappy. They will name call, they will plant insecure thoughts, they will make subtle comments that are indirectly directed to get a rise out of a person, only to sit back and watch it all unfold behind the cowardly insecure bold front that they put up. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how unhappy they are within themselves. Every invitation into chaos, does not require your attendance. Learn how to steer clear from people that are always angry. Don’t share your energy with someone who sees a problem within everything. You will end up feeling drained, while they get their  daily supply of negativity. Learn how to walk away instead of engaging in the negativity. Your energy will thank you. 

 They say that communication is key, but you cant communicate with someone if they don’t have comprehension skills, they will never understand what it is you are telling them. Some people thrive off negativity and drama and they want to debate everything, not because they actually want to learn from it but because in debating something that is quite clear they think they are creating chaos which once again they thrive on.

 You have to allow people to feel what they feel, and that doesn’t mean you have to allow people to over step any boundaries you have created. What it means is respect what they feel without being overtaken by it. You don’t owe any explanations and you don’t owe anyone your energy if they bring you any kind of negativity you owe it to yourself and your mental health to stay all the way away from them. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and cut people off. If they are not for you keep it pushing. 

 You weren’t the person I believed you to be, and that’s okay. I was seeing things the way I wanted to see them not the way they were. I have reached a place where I can finally admit that. Sometimes when we want something to be true, our views can become distorted, but when you take several steps back the view becomes so clear, and things you didn’t see before become visible. I won’t let my pride or ego get in the way of admitting how wrong I was. The first step is accountability, then comes the clarity. 

365

 I can never express to you how much I appreciate you. You came so unexpected and you have taught me what it means to have a friend and a lover. You have taught me what it feels like to fully express myself and have someone listen, to actually listen not to respond but to learn about me. You have traced all the colors of my soul with the your fingers and you have journeyed your way into my heart. 365 days and it feels like I’ve known you for far longer than that. I wake up everyday and I look forward to everything life has in store for us. Thank you for joining me on this road that we call life. 

Healing requires discipline, you can’t keep revisiting something and opening wounds. You can not keep taking one hundred steps backwards, expecting shit to change, no progress will ever be made if you keep going back to a place of hurt. It’s a journey, there will be bad days and there will be good days but you have to hold yourself responsible for your emotions and your behavior. #period

 She looked at me her eyes full of sadness "so tell me.. tell me you don't love me anymore and you want this to be over!" And though that was the furthest thing from the truth, I had to let her go. What we were doing was wrong and to many people would get hurt... I looked at her and I kept my gaze on her for a moment longer than usual, I was trying to take her all in. Her beautiful eyes, her lips, her scent.... as if I were preparing myself to spend this lifetime without her. My heart pounded and it felt as if it were about to rip out of my chest. "I don't love you anymore and I don't want this, I'm sorry." She looked up at me searching for the truth in my eyes, with tears in hers she placed her lips on mine, whispered she loved me and walked away. I wanted to scream her name, I wanted to tell her the truth but I just stood there and watched her until she disappeared... I still think about her and sometimes I could swear I smell her scent, but night after night I bury her away in my memories and that's where she will forever stay... 

-Luna Reign

 I didn’t fall in love with her beauty I fell in love with her soul. I fell in love with the way her eyes give off vivid colors of brown when the sun flirts against their hues and oh man her laugh. She is a gentle reminder that amongst all the darkness of the world, there is light; 

-Luna Reign 

 And if you can look into my eyes, and tell me that you truly don’t love me, I will let you go. For I will never hold onto a heart that does not want to be held; 

-Luna Reign 

 You can’t live life based on the needs of others. If you live life based on what others need you will always come short of giving yourself what you need. Don’t neglect yourself for the sake of another. 

“When did I lose you?”

 “When did I lose you?” 

You lost me a long time ago. You lost me a little more each time. The nights I wondered where you were and with who. The nights when my heart and my mind battled against each other. One knowing better than the other that love isn’t confusion. With each discovered infidelity, you lost a piece of me, until  there was absolutely nothing left for me to give you;

-Luna Reign 

 

 The truth is I love you. No amount of time nor space will ever change that, because when you love someone from your soul the love lives on forever;

September

We can place blame and point fingers, or we can take accountability for all of our actions. Things happen to all of us, it is the way we react that truly matters. We are the only ones that can truly make ourselves happy. Love is a feeling that empowers you, it opens your eyes to so much more. If you walk in love you will attract love. That is why when we  encounter an angry person it is always best to react with love. Their anger has nothing to do with you. That is something personal that they are going through in their life, and if you allow a person to pull you into their anger the reaction will always be anger. Life isn’t about control, at the end of the day no matter how much you try to steer a person in a certain direction they will always find a way to do what they want to do, and when we get lost in the obsession of chasing and changing someone we lose ourselves. At the end of the day we all have free will, and the power of choice. It is only when we realize that everything in our life is because of the choices we have made is when we are truly free.

 She is strong, she is kind, she is resilient,

 she is beautiful, she is me... she is you;

Her

And as she stared at her reflection in the mirror she noticed the creases begin to form at the end of her eyes. She smiled at the subtle changes and for the first time since forever she loved the person looking back. A woman who has gone to war with herself and has returned stronger. A woman who has been hurt but still loves as though she never has. A woman who has stumbled and who has fallen but who has picked her self up off of the ground and owns every part of her that makes her who she is. A person that has grown into the woman that she now. A woman that she is proud of.   

 

Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Someone to Stay (Audio)

And when you feel a love that you have never felt before it opens your mind to the limitless possibilities that exist within love and within one another. It leaves you hungry and curious and it leaves you questioning every damn thing you've ever learned about love. 

 

 

Dependent

 And once I let go I realized I needed him for nothing, and it was in that moment that I gained back all of my power. It doesn’t mean I love him any less but it does mean that life wont stop without him. My life isn’t dependent on him and the love I have to give won’t stop because of him. If we share the rest of our lives together or if he goes, my happiness will always remain because it is not dependent on another. 

Forgiveness

 Forgiveness doesn’t require reconnection. You can forgive someone and close the door to the past, you don’t have to allow room in your life for someone who has hurt you. You can remove yourself and still forgive. 

Live out of fear

 I’ve learned that people live mostly in fear. Fear of change and fear of feeling anything to much. We are all living a life of our own visual projections. We live life according to what we believe we deserve. Life is teaching me that though someone feels something it doesn’t necessarily mean they understand it and it isn’t my obligation or job to make them understand it or see it the way I see it. Life is to short to be unhappy and miserable. Learn to live life while allowing others to live theirs. Life isn’t a competition. Let go of your ego and be happy. 

Poetryyy

 

Highs and lows

 Healing is a process of highs and lows, there will be days that you feel like giving up and giving in. It’s picking yourself up after a crying session and allowing others to see your pain. It takes strength and resilience to continue on your journey and there will be days where you fall but always remember that there is strength at the bottom and all you can go is up. 

Foot traffic/blocked

 I can literally see all the incoming traffic on my blog it tells me who, from where and how many times visited and how long the person stayed, for those that visit my blog because you find my words beautiful and inspiring thank you and to those who visit because they hate me and come visit to get triggered, I have one question... why? Why are you continuously reopening old doors. Why are to continuously coming to my blog to read my post? I genuinely would love to know. There is nothing for you here. For those that love reading my post please send a request and for everyone else my blog page will now be private.

New form

 

Translation

Time didn’t seem to exist between us, and as we talked for what seemed to be minutes had quickly turned into hours. He spoke of the many things he loved and the things he feared and his eyes told me a story of loss. Though handsome, the creases that formed at the end of his eyes told me he had felt more than his fair share of hurt. The water kissed at my feet and bringing me back to my current thoughts and I couldn’t help but to feel sadness. Sadness hung at my lips for all the time lost and for all the things we couldn’t speak of. So many lost moments and the words wouldn’t form to explain all the ways I had loved him, now all lost in translation. 

Your own company

Take time to quiet all the outside noise and just relax. Find peace in the silence that surrounds you. It’s so important to give yourself a day of complete self care. Read your favorite book, sip on your favorite wine or coffee, do what ever it is you enjoy to do for you. Find the bliss that comes with being in your own company. 

Now Go

 I never understood the expression “if you love someone, you let them go” I always thought, who the hell loves someone and allows them to walk away, I didn’t understand why until I met you. Love isn’t wanting someone for yourself just to fill some kind of void. Love is wanting the absolute best for someone, even if it means the absolute best isn’t with you. It’s seeing them happy and living out there best life. It’s allowing someone to be who they are in their entirety without the want or need to change or to withhold them because it doesn’t involve or benefit you. So with all that said, this is where I let you go. I hope that life gives you everything you want and dream of, I hope you live a life so content and full that when you are old and grey you look back and have absolutely no regrets. Now go live, there’s a whole life out there waiting for you.

Dreamer

 She was a dreamer, she believed in things like dimensions and realms. she believed in soul shattering love and I’d never experienced someone so in love with the moon. Her eyes made me believe in something more, and the way she spoke made me believe that there was more to this life than life itself.  

Conventional

 Forever, not in the conventional way. In the way that I will hold you within my soul, I will catch your scent within the breeze that touches my skin on the warmest of summer days and I will capture your laughter within our favorite songs. Forever. 

Beautiful series

 Life is a series of beautiful moments that shape us and change us. And In those series of moments we meet people, people that may stay or may go but still impact our lives forever. That’s the beauty of life, we never really lose people because though in the physical realm they are no longer with us, spiritually they will always be with us. 

Awaken

 As we go through life we gradually lose pieces of who we thought we were. With the lessons that come so does the lost of our blindness. We start viewing things differently. We shed our old selves, as we outgrow things, and we awaken to a new look on life. 

Spew

 You can’t go onto someone’s page and get triggered by what you read and then blame them for triggering you. Why are you visiting someone’s page you clearly hate, knowing you will be triggered with everything that they write? What sense does that make? Non at all. Some people love negativity and love dragging things on for longer because that’s what they live for. They find comfort in the drama and they find comfort in blaming another for clearly what is a choice they are making all on their own. 

Sleeping At Last - "Saturn" (Official Music Video)

Complicated

 Why is it that we as humans complicate life. Why do we manifest our fears instead of our hopes and dreams. We live life based on being afraid. Afraid of the truth, afraid of love and afraid of happiness. And I’m talking about myself here. I for one, if something is going too good I start searching for the bad, I start making things up in my head and telling myself this is way too good to be true. I guess I’m scared to be happy for the same reasons everyone else is. Happiness and love make us vulnerable, it leaves the door wide open for someone to come in and hurt us. That’s scary especially when you’ve been hurt and let down many times before. So what do you do when you want to grasp for something but at the same time you want to turn and run away;

Shine

People that envy your light will always try to dim it and put it out. They will laugh and mock you and they will try to make you feel small. Don’t allow the darkness of another become you. Shine bright and do the things that you love with passion. Your power will always shine through. 

Full love

 Learn how to let go of what no longer resonates with your soul. I think for a lot of us this is a losing battle because most of us were taught to hold on to people and things even though they hurt. We were taught to suck it up and bear with the things that are handed to us. No one ever told us to put ourselves first and most of us were never told that our own happiness has to be a top priority. So we hold on and except things, not because we are happy, but because we were taught that our happiness doesn’t really matter. It’s so hard to unlearn this way of thinking. We feel guilty and selfish for doing what’s best for us at the cost of hurting someone else and that’s okay it’s called having compassion but what’s not okay is living unhappily in silence. It’s okay to put yourself first, it’s okay to be happy and it is okay to experience life in full love. 

Stop checking in

  Stop checking in on people you dislike just to be triggered by what they write and post. People have different beliefs, thoughts and opinions, that is the beauty of life. Imagine how boring of a world and how small ones thoughts must be to try to impose your beliefs on to someone else. Controlling and manipulating the way others view things because you can’t fathom the thought that someone thinks differently than you. 

One way track

 I wonder what goes on in the mind of those who can't think outside the box. The ones that are set in their one way views that can't comprehend any other way but their own. Those that can't see things in all the many colors they come in. Those with views only in black and white. Those that because they can't understand something they wish to tear it down. Those who say that their speaking truth based on fixations and one way views;

Love is not hard.

 Anyone who I have loved in the past I still hold love for. It’s not the same love but it’s definitely love. Love can be described in many different ways. You can love someone with your whole heart and care for them but not be in love with them. It doesn’t mean you love them any less it’s just a very different love. I’ve been in love very few times. There were relationships in where I thought I was in love and in hindsight realized that it was anything but that. Still didn’t change the fact that I love them. Love is easy. I don’t like the term “love is hard” because love is not hard. Love is the easy part. It’s everything else that’s gets in the way, like ego, pride, anger and hurt. Every long term relationship requires you to meet the person half way. It requires you to put your pride aside and it requires communication but it doesn’t require you to put yourself aside while putting all of their needs and wants ahead of your own. Loyalty should not mean you are a slave to the relationship. Yes you do help your partner through the hard times but you should not enable someone to be fully dependable on your love and the relationship. You are not required to give all of your pieces to fill them up. Love is gentle and kind, it’s screaming at the top of your lungs because you are angry but never spiteful. Love is the feeling of perfect. It’s the feeling of forever lingering on your lips after you kiss. It’s laughter and tears. It’s talking under the midnight sky looking at the moon while you both tell each other all of your wants and fears. Love is me. Love is you.

Choices

 Do not let yourself or others keep you contained in any situation. You can grow. You can change. You can learn and you do have CHOICES. Just because it happened yesterday, last week, last month it does not mean you have to drown in the choices of yesterday. Don't let people put bugs in your ear and convince you otherwise. The loudest voice you should hear is your own inner voice. Sit, meditate, breathe and you will hear your truth. Sometimes those closest to you, whether it's family, friends or a partner, won't want to see you grow or change because it is something that they fear. Sometimes you need to evaluate those around you and it is okay to say no, even to family and friends;        

Love Is Free

 No one owes you anything. You can say oh but I did this for them or I gave up this for them at the end of the day that was your choice. You have a choice in everything that you do. If you truly did not want to do it... why did you? We all do things for the people that we love that doesn’t mean that when ever we get angry or things don’t necessarily go our way, we can start throwing those things in their face. No one owes you their life, no one is your possession and I hate when someone refers to someone as “theirs” love is not entrapment. Love is not something that is made to make you feel stuck. Love is free and it makes you feel free and alive. It makes you feel like you are soaring in the highest sky and your not afraid to fall because you know that they will be right there when you decide to land.

The search

 The search for love in others ended when I found it within myself. I don’t hold onto people to feel complete. If I love you it’s genuine pure love. I want those in my presence to feel free. Free in who they are and what they want. I don’t want anyone who thinks or feels an obligation for what ever reason. I want people to want to be near me because I am an energy they have never felt. Everyone who comes into your life comes with a reason and a message. I’ve learned to listen and observe everyone who comes into my life. Sometimes they come so you can heal them and send them on there way. I allow what flows to flow and I hold on to no anger or resentment. What will be, will always be. 

On and off

 When you love someone it doesn’t automatically mean the person will love you back. Love doesn’t mean “I love you but you have to love me to in order for me to love you.” That’s not how love works. It doesn’t mean if you don’t love me I’m not going to love you. Love isn’t an on and off switch that you can just turn on and off when ever you please...that’s not love, and if you think that you can just turn love off you’ve never experienced true love. 

angel

 I watched him sleep and I wondered if he knew just how beautiful he was. He seemed almost angelic and he is. He came into my life during a time that I thought everything was falling apart and it was but it was only falling apart so I could learn how it needed to be put back together. Friends that have turned into so much more. He is my peace in a world full of chaos. He is someone that I can tell all of my deepest darkest fears and he doesn’t use them against me even when he is angry. What we have will always be. 

Shattered

 There are certain people that come into your life and change it forever. It’s as if you found a piece of magic within them and you just know that there’s so much more to life than what we can see with the human eye. Some people touch the core of your soul and bring this light into your life that can never be explained. It’s an earth shattering feeling, it’s an awakening of the spirits and when your souls touch you know that life as it was before will never be again. 

Blame

Placing blame gets you no where, the first step is taking accountability for all the choices you have made. No matter what someone said to convince you or how sorry they made you feel for them at the end of the day what ever you did was your choice. It took me a lot of sleepless nights to realize this. It took a lot of looking deep within to realize that no one in this life is responsible for any of us. We are responsible for everything. Things happen and it is how we react that impacts our life the most. 

Projections

I miss the me before him, I miss everything that he stole and although I wish to get it back I know, there is no going back. I had to come to terms with the fact that my belief in him came from a projection of my own inner soul. I saw him as pure and innocent, someone who was magical in every sense of the word. I saw him in this light, but that wasn’t him at all. I think that is the hardest part about it.  

Today

Today will come and go just as many days have come and gone. What have you done today to make yourself  happy. Strip all your materialistic processions away and ask yourself what have you done for your inner soul lately? Meditate go within, find that place of pure bliss within yourself. Your soul will thank you. 

Attached

I’m not a person that holds on to things. I have this very easy flowing energy about me and not many people understand that kind of energy. At a very young age I learned what hurt and pain felt like. I learned what lost felt like. I went through an abandonment faze and I held onto someone out of pure fear of being alone. I accepted anything and everything he gave because I believed that no one else on this earth would love me. I spent many many days alone but I am thankful for each and every experience. Attachment taught me that when you hold on to tightly you end up suffocating things. No one wants to feel like a possession. No one wants to feel suffocated and no one wants to be with someone who can’t stand on their own two feet. It took me a long time to realize I was whole all by myself. That not one person could make me happy until I was fully happy with myself. 

Relationships

It’s okay to walk away and cut ties with people who bring nothing but drama and toxicity into your life. Regardless of the relationship that you share with this person, your peace and health is worth more. People are master manipulators they will use excuses, they will threaten and even use other people to gain access to you just to keep the relationship going. This behavior is not okay and it is not healthy. If someone no longer wants a relationship with you it is not okay to find manipulative ways to make them stay. No one in this life belongs to us, it really is that simple. Life continues. Sometimes we spend years with someone and as we change and grow we realize that though we still love them it no longer brings us happiness. Some of us have parents and relatives who are extremely toxic and we use the excuse “oh but they are family” to continue relationships that are extremely unhealthy. Sometimes we are codependent and don’t even realize it. It’s important to learn the signs of toxic relationships and make the necessary changes in our lives. 

Saturday thoughts

Ask yourself are you happy or are you comfortable. For a lot of us it’s a very hard question to answer and as a person who likes to look at every angle I can answer that question with multiple answers. We are all on a journey of learning and life experiences. We all go through life searching for fulfillment. Something that makes us feel something. We go through life sometimes as if it were a chore. We get into these repetitive routines and we become okay with this type of feeling...

this comfort of knowing what tomorrow will bring or so we think. Some of us are lucky enough to experience an awakening. We actually get to feel the feeling that we are all in search of. And when we do get the chance to experience it, it isn’t something we can explain. Some people are okay with comfort and that’s okay but for those that have experienced something more, comfort will never bring them solace. 

Warped

I feel as if I have been warped back into this space. All these emotions pushing to the surface as I try to hold them down. It’s a losing battle for as much as I want to bury these feelings  forever, every so often they resurrect. I wonder if it will be like this forever or will I wake up one day and barely remember; 

No demands

Imagine loving someone so freely that they are fully aware that you will always love them. No demands. No obligations. No time stamps. Just pure love. That is the way that I love you. 

New moon

I guess this new moon really is having an affect on me and my feelings because I’ve been in such an intense mood. I wrote a letter today asking someone for forgiveness because I know that my actions and one point in time did hurt them and though they will never receive this letter because we have lost touch it was such a release to actually write it down and read it out loud. I’ve never been a vocal person I tend to shut down and keep quiet but as I learn and grow, I am learning to love the sound of my own voice and I’m learning to speak up about the things I believe in and I am  also learning not to be so afraid in asking others for what I need. I think we get so caught up in fear and expect people to know what we want and need and that’s how signals get crossed and things that should have been said remain unheard. I also think I need to forgive myself for being so afraid and caught up in the what if. I never believed in myself and that’s where I fell short. Everything that happens, happens for different reasons and I truly believe that what is meant to be will always be regardless of the time, space or dimension we are in. So this is my sorry to them for being so afraid of all the possibilities and to myself for being so afraid of sadly..... everything. 

The woman that I am today.

I stood within the wreckage of what I now called home. Everything seemed to be falling around me and though everything seemed broken I somehow felt free. I allowed myself to take it all in. I closed my eyes and I let it all fall away. All the expectations for what life should be all the expectations of how I should feel, and all of the fear that kept me from being who I am for so long just fell away. I don’t want to act a certain way to keep others comfortable or happy. I’ve come to terms that it is not my responsibility to keep other adults happy regardless of the relationship we share. Happiness comes wholeheartedly from oneself. For so long I took on that responsibility and it left my energy drained. I remember in my 20’s, my life really didn’t belong to me and I say this because I didn’t matter to myself. It was all about my bf. Everything I did was for him. He tried to leave me and I would crumble, I even threatened to hurt myself. I look back back on that time and I ask the girl I was for forgiveness because I as the woman that I’ve become had no idea how to love myself. I only knew attachment. Attachment is in no form love. It is fear based. Fear of being alone. Fear of not feeling whole without another person. Those voids are not the responsibility of others. We are responsible to heal those voids all on our own and only then is when we will experience soul love.

Everything moves so fast

I never understood what love meant until I had to let him go. Do you know what it feels like to say goodbye to someone you are not ready to say goodbye to, but than again whose ever really ready to say goodbye to a part of their own soul. No one is ever truly ready for anything in this life, life forces us to get ready. Life forces us to be strong. Life teaches us that love is not something that ends just because someone is no longer with us. Love is eternal. It is something that stays with us long after the person is gone. 

Redo

I gave myself so willingly. I was so broken and I dealt with that hurt in such a destructive way. I look back on it and ask myself what the fuck was going through my mind. I try not to dwell on the grey areas of my life but the moments play out like stills of imperfections, and it almost feels like if it’s taunting me. It’s behind me now and all I can do is take it as a learning experience, but if I were given the chance to go back and redo it I would. 

Life happens and then you die.

Life happens and then you die. What about your life shows that you have lived? When that moment comes will you take your last breath knowing that you lived your life fully and completely. Life is full of beautiful moments, and its also full of sad ones. Some that stay with us forever, some that are all to fleeting. We all live life chasing something. We chase careers, we chase partners, we chase, we chase and we fucking chase and we hardly stop to breathe and take in the beauty and happiness around us. We live in this false reality that one day, one day we'll be happy not realizing that most of the things that we think will make us happy, truly don't. We live in these false narratives that the ones around us create. We contain ourselves to make others happy and we pretend to be happy so they can remain happy. We fill ourselves with poison to forget all the things that come to haunt us when the silence comes out to dance with all of the words that we can not speak. We find ourselves dancing with ghost who no longer exist but we dance this beautiful dance, in this moment of temporary happiness because as long as they all remain happy that's all that matters.

We think we have all the time in the world but that is a huge misconception. What if today were your last day on earth? Would the ones you truly love know how much you loved them? Would every apology you've wished to say have been said? Time is all to fleeting and for the most part we waste it worrying about the things that in the end wont matter. We get so consumed by our schedules that we forget to take in the beauty of what is right in front of us. We forget to stop and breathe. We forget that though time is in a rush its okay to slow down. Time, it steals everything from us. 

Loss

Have you ever felt someone in your soul? That even after they were gone, you can actually feel them. When you love someone they never really leave you, do they? You share moments with them in your most intimate dreams. You catch them in that song you both once shared. And sometimes for a brief moment they pass through you in a smell. These small moments that you can never fully grasp or fully understand but oh.... how amazing they feel.

For a very long time I thought I knew what love was. I thought it meant feeling your heart race and I thought it was excitement. And love is all of those things but love is also a sense of calm. It takes you to your most calmest blissful state. A feeling like no other. A feeling that can bring you to your knees. A feeling of compassion and understanding. A feeling of forgiveness;

Mhm

I never understood how anyone can move forward by continuing to look back. You can’t keep revisiting the past expecting some different outcome. You can look back to grow an to learn but you can’t expect a different outcome. You have to start taking accountability as to why you keep revisiting and opening old wounds. What are you getting out of keeping past hurts fresh?

03/13/2020

Life takes us through waves, some that drown us and some that teach us. And in the end we learn. We learn about ourselves and we learn about others. We are all a little selfish when it comes to the things we want and the things we need. We all have secrets that we hide even from ourselves. We try to contain certain urges because we don’t want to seem like monsters, but in some way we all are, aren’t we? We are all monsters to someone. We lurk in the shadows pretending not to see certain shit. We move through life contained to the standards of others, the same others that are so afraid to look at the reflection that is staring back at them, because deep down they know who they really are.

Different mindset

I can’t imagine anyone having the same mindset they had a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. As time passes, we grow and learn. The way we think changes and if for any reason you’re stuck with the same mindset you had a few years ago, ask yourself why. There comes a time and an age where we have to take a different approach to everything in life. It takes so much strength to be mature and keep your calm. It takes more strength to stay calm than it does to lose control. So before you respond and before you react, take time. Ask yourself, is it worth it? What will be gained? Will anything change? Will this help me grow?

Still

Writing is a form

Of expression. It is 

A form of art. It can 

Paint beauty and it 

Can paint darkness. 

The artist carefully

Brushes the strokes 

As the words dance 

Upon your soul. 

And as you read line

By line, you take in

Your own perception 

Of the words that could

Or could not mean what 

You took them for.

Friday

People find it easier to make excuses than it is to admit fault. It takes a strong person to admit they have done wrong and to admit that although they made the choice in a poor fashion it was a choice they chose to make and might even make the same choice under different circumstances. There is always a reason as to why we do the things we do or love the ones we love. And although some of us are cowards and choose to not be honest about things, everything has a reason. 

Stop waiting

Stop waiting. Stop waiting for the right moment, it may never come. Go after life and live it. Spread love, hug more, allow yourself be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel, take it all in and appreciate every moment that has been given to you.

None

Do not let them get the best of you. If you’ve removed someone from your life and they continuously try to make themselves a factor in your life by speaking about you, following your social networks, sending emails etc, it is up to you to block their energy each and every time. What you allow to affect you, will consume you. The best reaction is no reaction at all;

Random!!!!!

Sometimes we find people without looking for them. Maybe they were there the whole time and suddenly something awakens. Sometimes we meet them at the most random of places at the most random of times. Everything in this life has a cause and effect and even the smallest of choices make a ripple in our lives. I have learned that beauty and love only exist if we allow them to and only if we see it and feel it within ourselves. I have learned that seldom we see the beauty of the moment and we always see the beauty once the moment has passed. If we value the things that exist right now we wouldn’t always want more. We wouldn’t get excited about the thrill of the chase but enjoy the stillness that the now presents to us.

Eat Pray Love

As the sun peeked it’s way into my bedroom window I grabbed my phone to check the time, I realize I’ve slept in. I never ever sleep in. I’m always up at the crack of dawn but damn it felt good. I stood up a little later than usual and I watched Eat Pray Love. If you have not seen it I recommend that you do. It’s amazing as to how we slip into our daily lives and forget our wants and needs. We forget the things we love as an individual human being and it’s okay to fall back in love with oneself and all the things we have forgotten. It has inspired me to do the things I love and have forgotten. I use to love to dance and I’ve forgotten my love for it. I remember how good it felt to allow myself to get lost into the music and just allow it to guide me. I’m going to start with baby steps but I will reawaken those things I use to do solely for me. I will fall back in love with all the things that I have forgotten along the way and that’s okay. You shouldn’t have to lose pieces of yourself for anyone in fact it’s healthy to have hobby’s and sports that bring you happiness and pleasure and we often forget that, when we are to busy taking care of everything and everyone else.

Observation

I’ve had very extensive conversations with different groups of people and the topic has been love and happiness. Why is it that most of us are in unfulfilling relationships? Why do we make choices that don’t fully resonate with our soul? Why are most of us unhappy? We are all in search of pretty much the same thing and some of us are lucky enough to find it and go for it and most of us out of fear of being too happy, run. Happiness goes hand in hand with fear, because we are conditioned to believe that if something is too good to be true it’s fake. We are taught to be happy but not too happy. We are taught that as long as those around us are happy we should be happy and satisfied with that. We rush love and into relationships and then wonder why we’re so unhappy and lonely even when we are in the presence of others. Those that don’t see us. Those that don’t hear us. Smfh.

New year

One of my goals this year is to love harder. I tend to shut down and not show those I love that I love them. This is my biggest fault. I like to cut off and be done but that’s not fair to people. I’m coming to terms with how toxic that behavior really is. It’s not a power move. It’s selfish and childish and I see that shit clearly now. I have issues with committing to anything, even dinner plans. My answer is always “maybe” I can never say yes and follow through. It’s the weirdest shit ever. I always say it’s because I don’t like to cancel so I’d rather say “maybe” but as I learn more about myself I think it has more to do with my fear to commit. Another thing I'm going to work on is how non vocal I am. I keep everything bottled in. I write about it but I very rarely tell people what I’m feeling. And last but not least is being present and really taking in the moments and really enjoying the company of those around me. Sometimes all someone needs is to feel seen.